Gaslighting is a powerful and insidious form of emotional abuse that makes you question your own reality, thoughts, and feelings. It is one of the most fundamental tools in a toxic family dynamic, used to control, undermine, and emotionally dismantle a person’s sense of self—particularly in children.

Recognising Gaslighting in Toxic Families

You might remember instances where your parent played the victim to elicit sympathy, outright lied about events, or twisted the truth to suit their narrative. Perhaps they had a public persona that starkly contrasted their private self, making it impossible for others to believe your experiences. If you ever tried to address this, you were likely met with denial, dismissal, or outright disbelief.

Gaslighting profoundly impacts self-esteem and confidence, making it difficult to trust oneself. Many who grew up with gaslighting internalise it, leading to self-doubt and struggles in setting boundaries. This often results in toxic relationships in adulthood, as we instinctively seek the familiar—even when familiar means harmful.

The Vicious Cycle of Self-Doubt

Many adult children of toxic parents recount times they tried to confront their parent about past behaviours, only to be met with phrases like:

  • “You’re remembering it wrong.”
  • “I never said that.”
  • “So you think I’m the worst mother in the world?”

As noted by Danu Morrigan in her book You’re Not Crazy, It’s Your Mother, this kind of gaslighting is a double blow—not only do you experience the abuse, but when you try to process it, it is completely denied, making you question your own reality.

Understanding DARVO: The Gaslighting Playbook

A useful tool to identify gaslighting is the acronym DARVO, which outlines the predictable response pattern toxic individuals follow:

  • Deny/Defensive: “I never said that.” / “You must have misheard me.”
  • Attack: “You always overreact.” / “You’re so ungrateful.”
  • Reverse Victim & Offender: “I can’t believe you’re treating me this way.” / “You’re the one with the problem.”

For example, if you confront your parent about a toxic comment they made, their response may follow this structure:

  1. Deny: “Oh, I didn’t say that.”
  2. Attack: “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”
  3. Reverse roles: “I guess I’m just a terrible parent, huh?”

Recognising this pattern is crucial in stopping the cycle and setting firm boundaries.

Teaching Children to Identify Gaslighting

Breaking the cycle of gaslighting starts with awareness. Teaching children that they have the right to challenge what adults say, trust their own feelings, and set boundaries is vital. Letting them know that their thoughts and emotions are valid can empower them to resist manipulation.

Self-Gaslighting: ‘Was It Really That Bad?’

One of the most damaging effects of gaslighting is learning to gaslight ourselves. Survivors often ask:

  • “Am I overreacting?”
  • “Maybe I’m making it sound worse than it was?”

A helpful exercise from You’re Not the Problem by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna is to compare descriptions:

  1. Write about your actual parent. How did they make you feel? How did they care for you? What was a typical day like with them?
  2. Write about your ideal parent. How would you feel around them? How would they speak to you? What would an average day look like?

Comparing these two descriptions can be eye-opening. It is okay to acknowledge that it was that bad.

Reclaiming Your Reality

Gaslighting thrives in confusion and doubt. By recognising these patterns, trusting your own experiences, and setting boundaries, you reclaim the power that gaslighting once stole from you. It’s a process, but awareness is the first step towards breaking free.