Triangulation is a common and insidious manipulation tactic used by toxic parents to create division, control relationships, and maintain power within the family dynamic. It often plays out as a ‘divide and conquer’ strategy, where a third party is brought into a conflict to create emotional distance and conflict between family members. If you grew up in a toxic household, especially with siblings, this method of control may be all too familiar.

Recognising Triangulation in Childhood

A classic example of triangulation in childhood is when a toxic parent pits siblings against each other by making unfavourable comparisons. Statements like, “Oh, you got a B in science? Your brother always got A*s in science,” serve to undermine one child’s achievements while glorifying the other. This creates an artificial competition, eroding sibling bonds and fostering resentment.

Alternatively, one child may be designated as the ‘golden child’—always praised and upheld as an example—while another becomes the ‘scapegoat,’ bearing the brunt of criticism and blame. This dynamic is not only damaging in childhood but continues to impact relationships well into adulthood.

For those who grew up as an only child, triangulation may have manifested differently, often with the child being placed in the role of emotional mediator between warring parents. Toxic parents may confide in their child about their marital issues, expecting them to take sides or ‘pass on’ messages. This forces the child into an inappropriate role of emotional caretaker, a form of parentification that often leads to people-pleasing behaviours and self-neglect in adulthood.

Triangulation Beyond Childhood

Triangulation is not limited to childhood—it often follows individuals into adulthood, particularly when they begin to assert independence or set boundaries. Toxic parents who feel their control slipping may try to sow discord in their adult child’s relationships.

For example, a parent might fabricate conflict between their child and an in-law, making false claims to stir distrust. A personal example of this was when my mother claimed that my mother-in-law had sent her an abrupt, unprovoked email asking to be removed from her contacts. My initial reaction was to defend my mother without question, as enmeshment had conditioned me to accept her word as truth. However, when my husband, Adam, suggested we directly address the issue with his mother, we quickly discovered that no such email had ever been sent. My mother’s reaction—anger, denial, and further accusations—made it clear that this was an attempt at triangulation to maintain her influence over me.

This scenario underscores an essential truth: triangulation thrives in secrecy and silence. Open, honest communication is the antidote.

Triangulation in Toxic Grandparenting

Toxic parents don’t always stop with their own children—they may attempt to manipulate their grandchildren as well. If you have children and still maintain contact with a toxic parent, it is crucial to be aware of the ways they might use triangulation to undermine you.

For example, my eldest child experienced triangulation from my mother in a variety of ways. She would speak negatively about me and my husband behind our backs, make inappropriate comparisons between him and his younger siblings, and even allow him to skip school without our knowledge. She attempted to position herself as his closest ally by saying things like, “Mummy is mean,” or “Daddy doesn’t really love his family.”

Fortunately, my son had the courage to set boundaries, often responding with, “Don’t say that about my mummy/daddy, it’s not kind.” While my mother would sometimes apologise, other times she would double down with, “I’m only saying what’s true.” This type of manipulation is exactly why fostering open communication with children is vital. When children feel safe to express their discomfort, triangulation becomes much harder to sustain.

Breaking the Cycle and Setting Boundaries

If you recognise triangulation in your own family, know that you are not alone—and that you have the power to break the cycle. The key to dismantling triangulation lies in open communication, boundary-setting, and accountability. Here are some steps to take:

  • Foster Direct Communication: Encourage direct conversations rather than relying on intermediaries. If someone brings a complaint to you about another person, go to that person directly instead of engaging in third-party conflict.
  • Set Boundaries: If a toxic parent attempts to manipulate your relationships, be clear about what behaviour you will and won’t tolerate.
  • Teach Children to Speak Up: Empower your children with simple but firm phrases like, “Please don’t talk about my parents like that around me.”
  • Recognise and Resist Guilt Trips: Toxic individuals will often react negatively to boundaries, using guilt or emotional blackmail. Stand firm in your decisions.

Triangulation is a powerful tool used by toxic parents, but it loses its effectiveness when exposed. By prioritising honesty and setting firm boundaries, we can protect our relationships and prevent future generations from enduring the same harmful patterns.