Silent treatment has been normalised in our society, yet it remains one of the most damaging and harmful behaviours in any relationship. Let’s call it what it is: emotional abuse. Growing up with a parent who uses the silent treatment is a bewildering experience—one that can trigger a deep-seated ‘fawn response.’

Psychologist and marriage expert John Gottman coined the term ‘stonewalling’ to describe this behaviour, because when faced with it, you’re up against an impenetrable wall of silence. No matter how hard you try to break through, you won’t succeed. Instead, you end up chipping away at yourself in the process.

The Long-Term Impact

For those who were raised in an environment where silent treatment was a go-to form of control, the effects linger long into adulthood. Many report discomfort with silence, a heightened sense of vigilance, and an ability to gauge someone’s mood just by the way they turn a key in the lock.

As children, we don’t have the capacity to recognise our parents’ behaviour as their issue. Instead, we internalise it. We believe—consciously or subconsciously—that we must have done something to cause it. We become ‘fixers,’ desperately trying to mend a situation that was never ours to fix. It’s a primal fear: the fear of abandonment. And it wires us to accept that if we just try harder, we can keep love from being withheld.

Breaking Free

As adults, we finally have the power to change the narrative. When someone gives you the silent treatment, the most effective response is to let them. Chasing them, pleading for answers, or trying to fix an unknown problem only fuels their control. Silent treatment is often used as a means to gain attention and force you into a position of discomfort.

The antidote? Boundaries. Instead of chasing after them, try saying: “I’m not going to beg you to talk to me, but I’m here when you’re ready to communicate.” That simple sentence shifts the power dynamic. It refuses to feed into the game. The reality is that people who rely on silent treatment often do so to avoid self-reflection. Open, honest communication might lead to them having to face their own flaws, and let’s be honest—that’s not on their agenda.

Silent Treatment vs. Asking for Space

There’s a critical distinction between silent treatment, needing space, and going no contact. The difference is intention.

  • When someone asks for space, they communicate their need. “I need to take a walk and clear my head.” This is a healthy response to conflict and in some cases it’s helpful to let whoever you’re in conflict with know that you are coming back, especially if it’s a child.
  • Going no contact is about self-preservation. You aren’t hoping for them to chase you; you’re removing yourself from an unhealthy dynamic.
  • Silent treatment, on the other hand, is about control. It’s designed to elicit panic, guilt, and compliance.

Moving Forward

If you grew up in a home where silent treatment was a regular occurrence, it’s okay if you’re still working through its impact. It’s okay if you love your parents but recognise their flaws. It’s okay if you choose to parent differently. It’s okay if you’re still figuring it all out.

Breaking generational cycles isn’t about placing blame; it’s about choosing better for yourself and the people you love. Silent treatment is a learned behaviour—but so is healthy communication. And that’s where the real power lies.